February 13

Dear Glamdiary,
Another horrible, awful day. I’m afraid the Glamgods are out to get me again and the glamstars will never align for this Glambergranny. I had Mother’s credit card ready and went online to order the 166 copies of FYE for Operation Platinum for BB’s Grammy win, but the card was declined! It seems that Mother, the homophobe that she is, KNEW I was going to take her card, and she hurried up and paid for that cataract surgery she had that Medicare wouldn’t cover. She maxed out her card and I KNOW it’s because she didn’t want me to buy my Beautiful BB’s CD. HE NEEDS ME AND I COULDN’T HELP! That broke my heart. Mother didn’t really need that surgery, it looked to me like she was getting along fine without it!! Sure, she fell down the steps a lot and tripped over that damned dog Fifi and drove into the pond, but she would have been ok without eye surgery.  What does SHE need to see?  Now my hopes of getting BB to the Platinum Status he deserves IS RUINED!!

I decided to go to the kitchen to whip up a little cupcake that I could draw a picture of The Glambulge with frosting for BB’s Grammy win. It wasn’t nearly as good as JoAnn down at the Piggly Wiggly’s, but for reasons I still can’t understand, I’ve been banned from there. Homephobes. All of them. The cupcake turned out alright, it’ll be the spirit of the celebration I’ll have when BB wins His Grammy, and a lick of the Glambulge will be a symbol of my love and pride over BB’s win. As I was in the kitchen, singing and dancing to FYE that plays over and over and over again in my head, Stanley comes into the kitchen with a bunch of papers, a picture and a very angry look on his face. What could HIS problem be? I’M THE ONE who’s heart is breaking with no BB CD’s, no Beautiful BB’s Glambulge, no nothing. Whatever is bothering him can’t even be compared to the heartache I’m feeling.

Stanley came towards me, I can honestly say, Glamdiary, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him quite so upset. I asked him what his problem was, and he told me “You are the problem, Carol, YOU. I’ve tried to ignore your little obsession with this gay man Adam Lamburger for quite a while. Well, I guess I shouldn’t have ignored it for so long. See this? This is the credit card statement that you’ve been hiding from me for months. You have spent TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS on CD’s, merchandise and parties FOR A MAN, A GAY MAN, THAT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW?? What in the hell is your problem? WHO DOES THAT? You are NOT RIGHT, Carol. I also went on the computer upstairs and found THIS. Sex story after sex story that you wrote of this Lamburger and some fellow named Tommy. You WROTE that stuff? WHY?  What IN THE HELL could you possibly know about this kind of stuff? You’re computer history shows me EVERYTHING I need to know. You are sick and need help. I also found this picture that you drew of this Lamburger fellow naked, with a snake slithering up his leg? DISGUSTING! Guess what, Carol, that’s NOT WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE. He’s not buff and muscular and well hung like you drew in that picture, HERE IS THE REAL LAMBURGER IN A REAL PHOTOGRAPH. LOOK, CAROL, this is what he really looks like. He’s FAT AND HIS “GLAMBULGE” IS SMALL. Do you want that? You can have it, Carol. I’m leaving you. I have been seeing a woman for the past year or so, ever since your obsession for this screaming gay man came to be. Her name is Bambi Benton, and I’m leaving you today to go be with her. You can have the house, because I do care about your mother and she needs a place to live, but you’ll get nothing else. Nothing. Perhaps your little gay fellow can help you pay the bills. It won’t be me. Goodbye, Carol.  You make me ashamed that I gave you all that I have for all these years.  You didn't deserve any of it.”

Glamdiary, he threw all those papers at me, it took me weeks to write all of that, and now it’s on the floor, ruined. I picked up the picture of BB, the one that Stanley said “what he really looks like”, and I was mortified. Who would do that? It was obviously photoshopped, BB’s beautiful head was photoshopped onto some fat man’s body. The body was lumpy and white and had large breasts and an extremely small penis. That’s not my BB’s bulge, not even close!  My BB doesn’t have red hair down there or freckles on his chest, and he certainly wouldn’t surround himself with all that fattening food! This is the most hateful thing I have ever seen. I went upstairs with the cupcake, because after everything that happened, BB was still going to win His Grammy in an hour or so, and that’s the most important thing today!! I had a little time to kill, so I Googled “Bambi Benton” and I about fell to the floor. I found a Bambi Benton that lives here in town, and I found her on a Chris Alen fansite!! Stanley left me for a fan of a homephobe and cheater! We all know Chriss Allon stole the crown from BB with the help of homephobians in Arkansa, that chicken place and a lone, rogue A T & T excutive, and Stanley is with someone who helped steal it! I’m sick over it, but BB’s Grammy win is going to be announced soon! Stanley can have that whore, I have BB and BB is going to have His Grammy!!

I went on Twitter and Grammy.com, put the cupcake with The Glambulge on the desk and put WWFM, BB’s winning song, on loop on the computer. Any minute now they’ll announce BB’s win!! I see all the gals at AO are Twittering like mad! I see Muriel, the size 14 skeleton whore that she is, is also online. Who needs her? I love BB with MY SOUL, much more than she loves BB. OK, they’re announcing it now. Here it comes, BB! Glamdairy, I’m so excited and so proud that we’re going to win our first Grammy!! And the winner for Best Male Pop Vocal Performance goes to….BRUNO MARS??? NOOOOOO, THIS CAN’T BE!! IT’S HAS TO BE BB!! BB WON!! HE WORKS HARDER THAN ANYONE AND DESERVES THIS MORE THAN ANY SINGER IN THE ENTIRE GRAMMY SHOW!! HE’S BEEN ROBBED!! WHO DID THIS? WHO IN THE HELL IS BRUNO MARS? I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THIS HAPPENED! BRUNO MARS??? My life is over. I feel like I am going to die. All the Twitter trending and poll spamming and defending BB from all the haters and endless hours talking on AO about how we were sure BB would win… for what? I am sick. I’ve lost the most important thing in the world today and that was knowing that BB won a Grammy with my help.

I’m sick inside, Glamdiary, just sick. Obviously the people at the Grammys are homephobes and have no idea what good singing is. Bruno Mars? Who is he? BB lost because America isn’t ready for someone with His talent. He’ll do good in Europe because Europeans accept people who are different and they know talent when they hear it. BB will make it here in America eventually, he’ll do the slow burn for awhile until he catches fire! Then the world will see what I see, a superstar who outsings them all!! I am going to spam the Grammys website, the homephobic haters that they are, and then I’ll spend the rest of the night spamming Twitter to get AdamWasRobbed and BrunoMarsSucks to trend, then I’m going to write to those HORRIBLE HOMEPHOBES at Photoshop for putting out a product that allows a hater to put BB’s beautiful face on someone else’s fat, white body. I’m banning everything that uses Photoshop, that should teach those homephobes a lesson.

Oh, Glamdiary, I don’t know if I’ll ever get through this. I still have the love in my heart for BB and the thoughts that get me through the night. The thoughts of Adam and Tommy together. There’s a love that will never die!! Adam and Tommy are meant to be!! I’m thinking I might have my sister look after Mother for awhile while I do a little soul searching, maybe take a little trip out to LA and West Hollywood for a little bit of R & R. Lord knows, if anyone deserves it, it’s me. Who knows, maybe I’ll run into someone I know out there *winks*! I have to go help Mother off of the toilet. Sometimes I can sit her there and she stays put for a few hours, but I hear a lot of flushing and a lot of noise. I have to go see what she’s up to. Mother, get that cat out of the toilet. MOTHER, YOU CAN’T FLUSH THE CAT DOWN THE TOILET, CATS DON’T LIKE WATER! Honestly, how that woman managed to make it to this age is beyond me! I love you, Glamdiary!


Love, Carol
AKA
Glambergranny #1*
Glamskank #458
Glambert #255
Glambulge Lover #29
Keeper of the Glamunderpants #77
GlamballsLicker #221


ps, Glamdiary, I changed ME to Glambergranny #1!!! I deserve it more!!

February 9

Dear Glamdiary

Oh, Glamdiary, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you to turn to. Today started out as a wonderful day and quickly went downhill. I woke up bright and early and excited and headed to Piggly Wiggly to pick up the new Glambulge from the bakery. As I got out of my car (it’s FINALLY dried out) and walked towards the store, I dropped my cell phone right in front of a boy who must have only been about 7 or 8. I have the picture from the Glamnation tour of Adam standing tall, the spiked codpiece enhancing the Massive Glambulge, his tongue sticking out like he’s ready to tongue dive the world and his middle up finger telling all the haters and homephobes to go to hell. The boy picked up my phone, looked at it, and we had a wonderful conversation (I wish my grandkids were HALF as cool and smart as this kid):

Boy: Who’s that Rock Star?
Me: That’s Adam Lambert, do you know who he is?
Boy: Yes, he’s really famous, one of the most famousest Rock Stars ever, right?
Me: Yep, that’s him!
Boy: How come he’s more famouser than that boy who won?
Me: I don’t know, what do you think?
Boy: I think Adam is just a better singer and can hit those high notes better than anyone!
Me: (oh, from the mouths of babes!) I think you’re right!!
Boy: I hear him on the radio all the time.
Me: Me too! I used to have 350 copies of his CD!
Boy: Why so many?
Me: Because I love Adam and his music, and getting Adam to Platinum is the only thing that’s important to me!
Boy: That is pretty important! Why does he have metal spiky things on his pee-pee?
Me: That’s part of his outfit, that’s what rock stars wear! Only REAL rock stars wear spiky things on their pee-pees!
Boy: I hope I can wear a spiky thing on my pee-pee when I get older!
Me: Keep practicing and you will!
Boy: I like that he’s got his middle finger up. My dad says that’s rock and roll! His favorite rock star is Steven Tyler.
Me: I think your dad is right about rock and roll! Who is your favorite rock star?
Boy: I don’t know, but I think it’s going to be Adam Lambert!!
Me: **smile **

The boy handed me back my phone and ran to catch up to his mom and little sister. Then he danced right there in the parking lot, singing at the top of his little lungs while writhing up against his mother’s leg “Baby I’m in control take the pain take the pleasure I’m master of both, I’m here for your entertainment”, then he grabbed his little sister and tongue dived her, grabbed his little crotch and threw his mother the middle finger! How precious! I wanted to pick up this little BB in the making and take him home! After that, I walked on to the store feeling pretty good about the kids today. Except of course for my own grandkids who care NOTHING of my beautiful BB golden child.

As I was almost to the front of the store, a very angry Muriel steps out and comes towards me, red hot anger in her eyes. “Muriel, what’s wrong?” She looked at me like she hated me, Glamdiary! “What’s wrong? You have the NERVE to ask ME what’s wrong? My nephew is Larry, he fills in for JoAnn when she’s off. He usually doesn’t do the cakes, he just takes the orders until JoAnn gets back. He told me of this crazy lady who wanted a picture of someone’s penis on a cake! I KNEW that was you, so I asked if your name was Carol, and he said yes! I knew you shouldn’t have been trusted to be the first to take home the Glambulge, I KNEW IT! You’re not fit to take care of something so precious, and I don’t think you’re even worthy of being Glambergranny #2!!”

Well, I had heard just about enough. I, of all people, am MORE than worthy to be a Glambergranny. I should be Glambergrany #1!! Muriel, this skinny skeleton whore who prances around in her size 14 jeans and Eye of Horus t-shirt like she’s hot shit, wearing that silver and diamond necklace that says #1 just to rub it in my face, the way she talks like SHE loves BB more than me, well, that was enough! No way in hell I would let her tell me that I’m not a good fan of BB! BB is my life, I put him above EVERYONE. All of the anger from the past few days boiled over, and I reached out and grabbed that Eye of Horus shirt and ripped it right off the skeleton whore’s back! She looked down, and realized she was completely topless!! Everyone in the parking lot was laughing at her, and she ran off to her car crying and embarrassed, then yelled out to me “This isn’t over, Carol. You DON’T DESERVE to be Glambergranny #2” and she sped off.

I was shaken, Glamdiary, but I wasn’t going to let that skeleton whore ruin MY morning. I had the Glambulge to look forward to! I walked back to the bakery, and there was that pin head Larry leaning against the bakery cake picking something out of his teeth while talking on his phone. “Excuse me” I said, and rang the little bell. He didn’t even look at me, he just went on talking and picking. I rang the bell angrily “EXCUSE ME!” and he looked over at me. He actually had the nerve to roll his eyes at me! Some customer service! He asked me what I wanted and I told him I was here to pick up my BB’s Glambulge that I had ordered yesterday. His eyes lit up and he smiled, “Oh, yeah, I remember you, hang on a second” and he went to the back of the bakery then came back with a box. I was SO excited to see the new Glambulge that I got that tingly feeling down there in my lady parts, like I always do when I think of the Glambulge. He put the box on the top of the bakery case and said “There you go”.

Glamdiary, I could barely contain myself and I was shaking! I picked up the box, lifted the lid and was HORRIFIED! I looked at the cake and it looked nothing at all like BB’s Glambulge, that beautiful bulge that fills my every waking minute. It was a sloppy piece of cake, with yellow icing, and a poorly drawn penis on top. It looked like a 5 year old child drew it! It was like a cartoon penis I’ve seen that Perez Hilton draw on people when I go to his site to defend BB from the homephobes! I was LIVID. I looked at Larry who was back there laughing like it was a joke! I ran behind the bakery counter and took out every one of those cakes and threw them at Larry, the jelous, hating homophobe that he is.

All of a sudden, the manager grabbed me by the arm and said “Oh, it’s YOU. You RUINED my canned good aisle, now you’ve ruined my bakery, GET OUT OF MY STORE!! You are NEVER to come back to this Piggly Wiggly as long as I’m manager!!” Well, I couldn’t believe it! I’ve been banned from the Piggly Wiggly! He took a picture of me with his cell phone “to put on the wall of shame”, he said, then pushed me out the door! I have NEVER been so humiliated in my life. I yelled “BUT HE RUINED MY GLAMBULGE! MY PRECIOUS BB’S GLAMBULGE”, all the other customers looking at me like I was crazy. It was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced, those homephobes and haters don’t deserve my money! I’ll shop somewhere else, but not before I go home and make some signs. I’m going to come back here and picket this place in BB’s honor. I was going to boycott this store anyway. Oh, BB, why can’t the rest of the world be as kind and as loving as you?

I finally made it home, tears in my eyes and my heart broken, no Glambulge cake, no more Piggly Wiggly and no more Muriel. I do have you, Glamdiary, and I have BB. I also got the Master Card out of Mother’s wallet, she won’t miss it, she doesn’t even know what day it is half the time. It only has a credit limit of $2,000, so I figure if I can find BB’s CD online somewhere for $12 or less, I can get at least 166 copies! That’ll push BB that much closer to Platinum! He deserves it more than anyone, he’s the hardest working man in music today. So, I still have that to look forward to, and the Grammys, too. We all know BB will win that! How can he not? People have to be deaf to not think he has the greatest voice of anyone out there today.


Got to go, Glamdiary, Mother is trying to spoon feed the cat creamed corn again. MOTHER, CATS DON’T EAT CREAMED CORN!! Honestly, if she weren’t my mother…..

I love you, Glamdiary!

Love, Carol
AKA
Glambergranny #2
Glamskank #458
Glambert #255
DLS Minion #84
Glambulge Lover #29
Keeper of the Glamunderpants #77
GlamballsLicker #221

February 6

Dear Glamdiary:
I just got Mother settled in the tub to soak, so I thought I’d tell you how my day was. Today was a very good day, I had a full body awakening! I decided today would be the day I would try to get back everything that I’ve lost over these past few days. I’ve been empty inside, playing “FYE” over and over again from the hard drive of my computer, tears flowing nonstop. I’ve been inconsolable, like my beautiful BB has been ripped from my grasp by haters and homephobes. Well, today is the day I decided to change all that. My daughter Donna had a farewell luncheon today for my 19 year old grandson Ryan, he’s being deployed to Afghanistan for 18 months. I really wish I could have made it, but I had SO much to do today. It’s not like I won’t ever see him again, and if I ever get time I’ll box him up a care package and put in a dozen or so copies of “FYE” for the boys in his unit to enjoy. Spread the love, that’s my motto!!

First thing was first, I went to the Piggly Wiggly to get JoAnn to make me another Glambulge. I figured while I was there, I could pick up a few groceries, and get Mother the creamed corn and butterscotch candies she likes, even though I’m still upset with her for driving my car into the pond and ruining my BB’s CD. I get my cart and head to the canned goods aisle, and all of a sudden I hear the unmistakable sound of “WWFM” playing through the supermarket speakers!!! I couldn’t believe my luck!! I stopped right there by the cans of green beans and early peas, closed my eyes, swaying back and forth, and sang loud and proud for the entire store to hear! As I’m swaying and singing the line “baby you’re beautiful and it’s nothing wrong with you, it’s me I’m a freak” (I’m CONVINCED Adam wrote that line for me!!), I feel a strong tingling sensation down there in my little girl parts. As I’m singing, the tingling turns into a burning ache, and I thrust my hips up against the grocery cart, the need so strong…. “It messed me up, need a second to breathe”…I’m bucking my hips and singing the passion as loud as I can…cans of French cut green beans falling at my feet...my whole body taken over in this beautiful passion…I scream out “Whattya want from me!!!”, my knees weaken and I held onto the cart so tight my hands turned deep red. I slowly open my eyes to see the stock boy staring at me, his mouth hanging wide open and a look of fear in his eyes. As I walked towards him, he dropped his price gun and ran off faster than I had ever seen anyone run! One day he’ll understand this kind of passion! It was AMAZING, Glamdiary! My body is ALIVE!!


I bent down and picked up a couple of cans of creamed corn off the floor and put them in the now well used cart and headed over to the bakery. JoAnn was off today, and they had some halfwit named Larry taking cake orders. I explain to Larry that I want a small cake, just big enough for him to airbrush my BB’s Glambulge on, and I took out the picture of the original cake and a pic of BB’s beautiful Glambulge. I told Larry that BB is an almost Platinum selling (if Operation Platinum is a success!!!) ARTIST, the greatest Rock God in the World, and that I would like his penis bulge airbrushed on a small cake. Larry, the ignorant fool that he was, looked at me like I was a woman who had lost her mind and said “Let me get this straight, you want ME to draw some gay dude’s wanker on a piece of sheet cake for you? What kind of guy do you think I am?” I told him I could happily take my cake order to the Piggly Wiggly on the other side of town, and he reluctantly took my order and the picture of the Glambulge and told me it would be ready tomorrow morning. I told him he had better get it right, and he looked at me sideways almost as if he hated me. How could he hate me? He doesn’t even know me. I think he was just a tad jellous of the magnificence of the Glambulge and probably a bit of a homephobe, too.

So, Glamdiary, I’m well on my way to getting the broken pieces of my life back together. The Glambulge will be done tomorrow, I’m going to look into making another Glampenis Candle, and I have to find a way to restock my supply of “FYE” CD’s. That one might be a tricky one, as I’ve maxed out 2 of Stanley’s credit cards supporting BB. I’ll have to figure something out, Operation Platinum is well underway and I have to do my part!!! Oh, Jesus, Glamdiary, I have to go. Mother somehow got out of the tub and is wandering around the neighbor’s front yard. Mother! MOTHER!! GET BACK IN HERE AND PUT YOUR ROBE ON!! THE NEIGHBORS DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT!! Honestly, this woman is going to put me in the nut house. Why can’t she ever just stay put??

I love you, Glamdiary, and I LOVE YOU BB, my Beautiful Golden Child! My Beautiful BB Golden Child who awakened my body and my soul!! Hopefully I’ll have more happy news after I pick up the new Glambulge from the Piggly Wiggly tomorrow morning!!

Love, Carol
AKA
Glambergranny #2
Glamskank #458
Glambert #255
Glambulge Lover #29
Keeper of the Glamunderpants #77
GlamballsLicker #221
DLS Minion #84

February 2

Dear Glamdiary,
Today was AWFUL, surely the worst day of my life. All the memories of the wonderful Golden Birthday for my Beautiful BB Golden Child Adam are helping to get me through this horrible time in my life, but it really has been a day from hell.

It started off with Mother. Mother had a follow up appointment with the doctor this morning to see how her cataract surgery went. I would have taken her, but I had to get on AdamOfficial and tell all the gals what a WONDERFUL time the Glambergrannies had at Bob’s Sausage and Brew Haus to celebrate BB’s Golden Birthday, giggling at the thought of telling the girls about the penis candle and uploading the pictures. I gave Mother the keys and begged her to be careful. The doctor’s office is only 4 miles away, what could happen? Her eyes had stopped oozing a bit, so I figured she’d be fine. Not 20 minutes later, I get a call from the police department. Apparently mother went and drove my car into the retention pond down the street. I hurry up and drive the truck down to the pond, and there is the search and rescue struggling with the jaws of life to get mother out. I could see her arms moving and she was saying something, or gasping for air, I’m not sure, so I figured she was ok. I had much, MUCH bigger worries. I yelled at the rescuer to please, PLEASE, open up the glove box in the car and get out the CD of “For Your Entertainment” before the car went down. He looked at me like I was crazy, so kicked off my shoes and headed toward the pond. No way IN HELL I was going to let my beautiful BB’s CD go down in the muck. A policeman grabbed my elbow before I could make it into the pond, and I hear a huge “glup”, looked over, and my car was gone. The rescuer was swimming towards shore with Mother in tow, oblivious to what I had just lost. I honestly think this town’s police, fire and rescue teams are big homephobes. I did strike up a conversation with one police man, and told him all about BB and his wonderful CD, and now the officer is a fan and is hooked on BB!

I got Mother, dripping wet, into the truck. The only thing getting me past the thought of losing BB’s CD in the pond is knowing that I have a box of 349 of them left. I put the box up in my daughter Donna’s attic because my husband Stanley would KILL me if he knew I maxed out his credit card buying 350 of BB’s CD. He’s always complaining that we don’t have money for this or that, but supporting my BB is the most important thing of all so he can just go to hell. So anyway, Glamdiary, we get home and I go into the kitchen and there’s Stanley sitting at the kitchen table. I look at his face, and then his mouth, and I notice his lips are black. I felt a jolt of terror and asked him what he had just eaten. He said “I just ate a piece of cake that was in the freezer. Who in the hell uses black icing? Lousiest goddamned piece of cake I’ve ever eaten.” I was SHOCKED, it was as if I was just punched in the stomach. STANLEY ATE THE GLAMBULGE. Oh, how am I ever going to forgive him for that? I shot him a look of pure hatred, asking him how he could eat BB’s penis like that? He looked at me like I was nuts, but who’s the crazy one here? WHO? Maybe I can get JoAnn down at the Piggly Wiggly to make me another one, although it won’t be the same. That was the Glambergrannie’s Glambulge.

I headed upstairs to the spare room where my computer is, knowing at least that I still had the can of frosting and the Glampenis candle, and of course, the 349 other copies of “FYE” in Donna’s attic. I get to the top step, and I hear Fifi, that God awful poodle of Mother’s, and she was chewing something. Terrified, I look at Fifi, and she’s got half of the Glampenis candle chewed beyond recognition, and that damned dog had the NERVE to growl AT ME! It’s as if the Glamgods are out to get me today. I had huge tears falling from my eyes as I picked Fifi up by the scruff of her neck, bits of frosting covered Glampenis stuck to her fur. Just as I was getting ready to drop Fifi down the laundry chute, the phone rings.

It was Donna, in tears, crying. I rolled my eyes thinking NOTHING can be as bad as the day I’m having. My blood ran cold. Donna called to tell me that there was an electrical short in the attic, which caused a fire and everything was destroyed, all of granddaughter Lindsay’s baby books and school pictures and video tapes, everything gone. More importantly, I asked her if she had the forethought to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get the box of BB’s CD’s out before they melted. She acted like I just stabbed her in the heart. How can I be so cold, she asked? All of my grandaughter’s things from her childhood are destroyed, and all I care about is some “screaming tranny’s” CD’s?? Well, enough was enough, I didn’t have to take that abuse from her. Nobody calls my BB a “screaming tranny” and gets away with it. I hung up, empty inside, knowing that I have absolutely nothing left. No Glambulge cake, no Glampenis candle, no 350 BB’s CDs, nothing.

Glamdiary, I have you, and I have online polls and Twitter to spam, and I have the Glamgrannies and all of my friends at AdamOfficial, but it all hurts so much. This honestly was my worst day, EVER. I hate living with these homephobes and Adam haters who all put their petty little problems first. They’re all so selfish. Oh, Jesus, Glamdiary, I have to go. Seems Mother wandered out into the backyard and fell over the hillside onto the interstate again. Honestly, I think she does all of this to get attention. Hopefully I’ll have happier news when I write again.

Love you Glamdiary,
Carol
AKA
Glambergranny #2
Glamskank #458
Glambert #255
Glambulge Lover #29
Keeper of the Glamunderpants #77
GlamballsLicker #221
DLS Minion #84

February 1

Dear Glamdiary
Last night was a night full of glam, glitter and whimsy. It was my beautiful BB’s birthday, my golden child Adam turned 29! A golden birthday for a golden child! It was also my grandaughter’s, oh forgive me, what was her name, Lindsay, that’s right. It was also my granddaughter Lindsay’s sweet 16 birthday party. I figured Lindsay will have more important birthdays to come, so it’s no big deal that I miss that, but Adam, ADAM is going to be 29! I couldn’t ignore my Golden Child on his Golden Birthday.

My family is upset with me for missing my only granddaughter’s birthday, but honestly I think they’re just homephobes who are mad at me as an extension of their hatred for Adam. My 86 year old mother is also mad at me because she had her cataract surgery yesterday and I couldn’t take her because I had all these little party favors (cute little top hats with the letter A on them, filled with black and white jelly beans!!) to make. She’s always complaining about losing her freedoms, so I gave her the car keys, her Medicare info and a pair of sunglasses yesterday and told her she’d be ok to drive herself to and from the doctor’s office. That’s freedom, isn’t it? It’s only eye surgery, not open heart or a lung transplant or anything. And so what if she took out half the street’s mailbox and the neighbor’s dog, she made it home in on piece. Honestly, that woman is NEVER happy.

Muriel, Babs, Shirley and I, aka the Glambergrannies, reserved the back two booths at Bob’s Sausage and Brew Haus, a local haunt we’ve been haunting since the early 60’s. We ordered ½ a sheet cake, vanilla cake (chocolate irritates Muriel’s IBS) with a lovely buttercream icing and JoAnn down at the Piggly Wiggly airbrushed a beautiful likeness of Adam on the cake with black icing. JoAnn wasn’t a fan of Adam until I went into the bakery and told her all about him and his music, now JoAnn is hooked and LOVES Adam like us Glambergrannies do! We also ordered 2 of the entire left side of Bob’s menu, us Glambergrannies work up an appetite! We danced and ate and dreamed dreamily about the Glambulge.

We set up a table in the back with pictures of Adam we all printed out from our computers, put them all in gold plated frames and lovingly placed the pictures around the table, with black and white candles burning and Shirley’s boombox playing “For Your Entertainment” on continuous loop. Well, Babs comes in with the piece de la resistance, THE GLAMBERT CAKE!! We all waited with bated breath, then Babs places the cake on the table between the gold frames, takes the lid of the box, and the cake had a RED CANDLE SHAPED LIKE A PENIS! Oh, the girls and I got a kick out of that, what a HOOT! We danced and we partied well into the wee hours of the evening, why, I didn’t get home until almost 8 pm!! We had a draw the straw to see who would get to take the Glambulge part of the cake and penis candle home first. Well, Glamdiary, guess what?? I WON!!! I put the Glambulge in the freezer, and I’ve been dipping the Adam penis candle in a can of frosting and licking it off all morning. Dip and lick, dip and lick, dip and lick. I feel fire in my loins I haven’t felt since I saw my first Tab Hunter movie back in the 50’s.

So, dear Glamdiary, I’m filled with love and lightness in my heart today, because Adam, my Beautiful BB Golden Love Child turned 29! 29!! Can you imagine? Why, it seems like only last year he turned 28! Got to go, Mother fell down the steps again. I told her to stay away from the steps, but she never listens. She’s going to be the death of me. These damned people, this stupid family of mine, is just sucking up my Adam Lambert Google/Twitter/AdamOfficial time. There ARE only 24 hours in a day, but they don’t care. They’re all so needy and selfish. And homephobes.

Love you Glamdiary,
Carol
AKA:
Glambergranny #2
Glamskank #458
Glambert #255
Glambulge Lover #29
Keeper of the Glamunderpants #77
GlamballsLicker #221
DLS Minion #84