February 2

Dear Glamdiary,
Today was AWFUL, surely the worst day of my life. All the memories of the wonderful Golden Birthday for my Beautiful BB Golden Child Adam are helping to get me through this horrible time in my life, but it really has been a day from hell.

It started off with Mother. Mother had a follow up appointment with the doctor this morning to see how her cataract surgery went. I would have taken her, but I had to get on AdamOfficial and tell all the gals what a WONDERFUL time the Glambergrannies had at Bob’s Sausage and Brew Haus to celebrate BB’s Golden Birthday, giggling at the thought of telling the girls about the penis candle and uploading the pictures. I gave Mother the keys and begged her to be careful. The doctor’s office is only 4 miles away, what could happen? Her eyes had stopped oozing a bit, so I figured she’d be fine. Not 20 minutes later, I get a call from the police department. Apparently mother went and drove my car into the retention pond down the street. I hurry up and drive the truck down to the pond, and there is the search and rescue struggling with the jaws of life to get mother out. I could see her arms moving and she was saying something, or gasping for air, I’m not sure, so I figured she was ok. I had much, MUCH bigger worries. I yelled at the rescuer to please, PLEASE, open up the glove box in the car and get out the CD of “For Your Entertainment” before the car went down. He looked at me like I was crazy, so kicked off my shoes and headed toward the pond. No way IN HELL I was going to let my beautiful BB’s CD go down in the muck. A policeman grabbed my elbow before I could make it into the pond, and I hear a huge “glup”, looked over, and my car was gone. The rescuer was swimming towards shore with Mother in tow, oblivious to what I had just lost. I honestly think this town’s police, fire and rescue teams are big homephobes. I did strike up a conversation with one police man, and told him all about BB and his wonderful CD, and now the officer is a fan and is hooked on BB!

I got Mother, dripping wet, into the truck. The only thing getting me past the thought of losing BB’s CD in the pond is knowing that I have a box of 349 of them left. I put the box up in my daughter Donna’s attic because my husband Stanley would KILL me if he knew I maxed out his credit card buying 350 of BB’s CD. He’s always complaining that we don’t have money for this or that, but supporting my BB is the most important thing of all so he can just go to hell. So anyway, Glamdiary, we get home and I go into the kitchen and there’s Stanley sitting at the kitchen table. I look at his face, and then his mouth, and I notice his lips are black. I felt a jolt of terror and asked him what he had just eaten. He said “I just ate a piece of cake that was in the freezer. Who in the hell uses black icing? Lousiest goddamned piece of cake I’ve ever eaten.” I was SHOCKED, it was as if I was just punched in the stomach. STANLEY ATE THE GLAMBULGE. Oh, how am I ever going to forgive him for that? I shot him a look of pure hatred, asking him how he could eat BB’s penis like that? He looked at me like I was nuts, but who’s the crazy one here? WHO? Maybe I can get JoAnn down at the Piggly Wiggly to make me another one, although it won’t be the same. That was the Glambergrannie’s Glambulge.

I headed upstairs to the spare room where my computer is, knowing at least that I still had the can of frosting and the Glampenis candle, and of course, the 349 other copies of “FYE” in Donna’s attic. I get to the top step, and I hear Fifi, that God awful poodle of Mother’s, and she was chewing something. Terrified, I look at Fifi, and she’s got half of the Glampenis candle chewed beyond recognition, and that damned dog had the NERVE to growl AT ME! It’s as if the Glamgods are out to get me today. I had huge tears falling from my eyes as I picked Fifi up by the scruff of her neck, bits of frosting covered Glampenis stuck to her fur. Just as I was getting ready to drop Fifi down the laundry chute, the phone rings.

It was Donna, in tears, crying. I rolled my eyes thinking NOTHING can be as bad as the day I’m having. My blood ran cold. Donna called to tell me that there was an electrical short in the attic, which caused a fire and everything was destroyed, all of granddaughter Lindsay’s baby books and school pictures and video tapes, everything gone. More importantly, I asked her if she had the forethought to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get the box of BB’s CD’s out before they melted. She acted like I just stabbed her in the heart. How can I be so cold, she asked? All of my grandaughter’s things from her childhood are destroyed, and all I care about is some “screaming tranny’s” CD’s?? Well, enough was enough, I didn’t have to take that abuse from her. Nobody calls my BB a “screaming tranny” and gets away with it. I hung up, empty inside, knowing that I have absolutely nothing left. No Glambulge cake, no Glampenis candle, no 350 BB’s CDs, nothing.

Glamdiary, I have you, and I have online polls and Twitter to spam, and I have the Glamgrannies and all of my friends at AdamOfficial, but it all hurts so much. This honestly was my worst day, EVER. I hate living with these homephobes and Adam haters who all put their petty little problems first. They’re all so selfish. Oh, Jesus, Glamdiary, I have to go. Seems Mother wandered out into the backyard and fell over the hillside onto the interstate again. Honestly, I think she does all of this to get attention. Hopefully I’ll have happier news when I write again.

Love you Glamdiary,
Carol
AKA
Glambergranny #2
Glamskank #458
Glambert #255
Glambulge Lover #29
Keeper of the Glamunderpants #77
GlamballsLicker #221
DLS Minion #84