Oh, Glamdiary, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you to turn to. Today started out as a wonderful day and quickly went downhill. I woke up bright and early and excited and headed to Piggly Wiggly to pick up the new Glambulge from the bakery. As I got out of my car (it’s FINALLY dried out) and walked towards the store, I dropped my cell phone right in front of a boy who must have only been about 7 or 8. I have the picture from the Glamnation tour of Adam standing tall, the spiked codpiece enhancing the Massive Glambulge, his tongue sticking out like he’s ready to tongue dive the world and his middle up finger telling all the haters and homephobes to go to hell. The boy picked up my phone, looked at it, and we had a wonderful conversation (I wish my grandkids were HALF as cool and smart as this kid):
Boy: Who’s that Rock Star?
Me: That’s Adam Lambert, do you know who he is?
Boy: Yes, he’s really famous, one of the most famousest Rock Stars ever, right?
Me: Yep, that’s him!
Boy: How come he’s more famouser than that boy who won?
Me: I don’t know, what do you think?
Boy: I think Adam is just a better singer and can hit those high notes better than anyone!
Me: (oh, from the mouths of babes!) I think you’re right!!
Boy: I hear him on the radio all the time.
Me: Me too! I used to have 350 copies of his CD!
Boy: Why so many?
Me: Because I love Adam and his music, and getting Adam to Platinum is the only thing that’s important to me!
Boy: That is pretty important! Why does he have metal spiky things on his pee-pee?
Me: That’s part of his outfit, that’s what rock stars wear! Only REAL rock stars wear spiky things on their pee-pees!
Boy: I hope I can wear a spiky thing on my pee-pee when I get older!
Me: Keep practicing and you will!
Boy: I like that he’s got his middle finger up. My dad says that’s rock and roll! His favorite rock star is Steven Tyler.
Me: I think your dad is right about rock and roll! Who is your favorite rock star?
Boy: I don’t know, but I think it’s going to be Adam Lambert!!
Me: **smile **
The boy handed me back my phone and ran to catch up to his mom and little sister. Then he danced right there in the parking lot, singing at the top of his little lungs while writhing up against his mother’s leg “Baby I’m in control take the pain take the pleasure I’m master of both, I’m here for your entertainment”, then he grabbed his little sister and tongue dived her, grabbed his little crotch and threw his mother the middle finger! How precious! I wanted to pick up this little BB in the making and take him home! After that, I walked on to the store feeling pretty good about the kids today. Except of course for my own grandkids who care NOTHING of my beautiful BB golden child.
As I was almost to the front of the store, a very angry Muriel steps out and comes towards me, red hot anger in her eyes. “Muriel, what’s wrong?” She looked at me like she hated me, Glamdiary! “What’s wrong? You have the NERVE to ask ME what’s wrong? My nephew is Larry, he fills in for JoAnn when she’s off. He usually doesn’t do the cakes, he just takes the orders until JoAnn gets back. He told me of this crazy lady who wanted a picture of someone’s penis on a cake! I KNEW that was you, so I asked if your name was Carol, and he said yes! I knew you shouldn’t have been trusted to be the first to take home the Glambulge, I KNEW IT! You’re not fit to take care of something so precious, and I don’t think you’re even worthy of being Glambergranny #2!!”
Well, I had heard just about enough. I, of all people, am MORE than worthy to be a Glambergranny. I should be Glambergrany #1!! Muriel, this skinny skeleton whore who prances around in her size 14 jeans and Eye of Horus t-shirt like she’s hot shit, wearing that silver and diamond necklace that says #1 just to rub it in my face, the way she talks like SHE loves BB more than me, well, that was enough! No way in hell I would let her tell me that I’m not a good fan of BB! BB is my life, I put him above EVERYONE. All of the anger from the past few days boiled over, and I reached out and grabbed that Eye of Horus shirt and ripped it right off the skeleton whore’s back! She looked down, and realized she was completely topless!! Everyone in the parking lot was laughing at her, and she ran off to her car crying and embarrassed, then yelled out to me “This isn’t over, Carol. You DON’T DESERVE to be Glambergranny #2” and she sped off.
I was shaken, Glamdiary, but I wasn’t going to let that skeleton whore ruin MY morning. I had the Glambulge to look forward to! I walked back to the bakery, and there was that pin head Larry leaning against the bakery cake picking something out of his teeth while talking on his phone. “Excuse me” I said, and rang the little bell. He didn’t even look at me, he just went on talking and picking. I rang the bell angrily “EXCUSE ME!” and he looked over at me. He actually had the nerve to roll his eyes at me! Some customer service! He asked me what I wanted and I told him I was here to pick up my BB’s Glambulge that I had ordered yesterday. His eyes lit up and he smiled, “Oh, yeah, I remember you, hang on a second” and he went to the back of the bakery then came back with a box. I was SO excited to see the new Glambulge that I got that tingly feeling down there in my lady parts, like I always do when I think of the Glambulge. He put the box on the top of the bakery case and said “There you go”.
Glamdiary, I could barely contain myself and I was shaking! I picked up the box, lifted the lid and was HORRIFIED! I looked at the cake and it looked nothing at all like BB’s Glambulge, that beautiful bulge that fills my every waking minute. It was a sloppy piece of cake, with yellow icing, and a poorly drawn penis on top. It looked like a 5 year old child drew it! It was like a cartoon penis I’ve seen that Perez Hilton draw on people when I go to his site to defend BB from the homephobes! I was LIVID. I looked at Larry who was back there laughing like it was a joke! I ran behind the bakery counter and took out every one of those cakes and threw them at Larry, the jelous, hating homophobe that he is.
All of a sudden, the manager grabbed me by the arm and said “Oh, it’s YOU. You RUINED my canned good aisle, now you’ve ruined my bakery, GET OUT OF MY STORE!! You are NEVER to come back to this Piggly Wiggly as long as I’m manager!!” Well, I couldn’t believe it! I’ve been banned from the Piggly Wiggly! He took a picture of me with his cell phone “to put on the wall of shame”, he said, then pushed me out the door! I have NEVER been so humiliated in my life. I yelled “BUT HE RUINED MY GLAMBULGE! MY PRECIOUS BB’S GLAMBULGE”, all the other customers looking at me like I was crazy. It was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced, those homephobes and haters don’t deserve my money! I’ll shop somewhere else, but not before I go home and make some signs. I’m going to come back here and picket this place in BB’s honor. I was going to boycott this store anyway. Oh, BB, why can’t the rest of the world be as kind and as loving as you?
I finally made it home, tears in my eyes and my heart broken, no Glambulge cake, no more Piggly Wiggly and no more Muriel. I do have you, Glamdiary, and I have BB. I also got the Master Card out of Mother’s wallet, she won’t miss it, she doesn’t even know what day it is half the time. It only has a credit limit of $2,000, so I figure if I can find BB’s CD online somewhere for $12 or less, I can get at least 166 copies! That’ll push BB that much closer to Platinum! He deserves it more than anyone, he’s the hardest working man in music today. So, I still have that to look forward to, and the Grammys, too. We all know BB will win that! How can he not? People have to be deaf to not think he has the greatest voice of anyone out there today.
Got to go, Glamdiary, Mother is trying to spoon feed the cat creamed corn again. MOTHER, CATS DON’T EAT CREAMED CORN!! Honestly, if she weren’t my mother…..
I love you, Glamdiary!
Love, Carol
AKA
Glambergranny #2
Glamskank #458
Glambert #255
DLS Minion #84
Glambulge Lover #29
Keeper of the Glamunderpants #77
GlamballsLicker #221
No comments:
Post a Comment