Thursday, February 24, 2011

February 13

Dear Glamdiary,
Another horrible, awful day. I’m afraid the Glamgods are out to get me again and the glamstars will never align for this Glambergranny. I had Mother’s credit card ready and went online to order the 166 copies of FYE for Operation Platinum for BB’s Grammy win, but the card was declined! It seems that Mother, the homophobe that she is, KNEW I was going to take her card, and she hurried up and paid for that cataract surgery she had that Medicare wouldn’t cover. She maxed out her card and I KNOW it’s because she didn’t want me to buy my Beautiful BB’s CD. HE NEEDS ME AND I COULDN’T HELP! That broke my heart. Mother didn’t really need that surgery, it looked to me like she was getting along fine without it!! Sure, she fell down the steps a lot and tripped over that damned dog Fifi and drove into the pond, but she would have been ok without eye surgery.  What does SHE need to see?  Now my hopes of getting BB to the Platinum Status he deserves IS RUINED!!

I decided to go to the kitchen to whip up a little cupcake that I could draw a picture of The Glambulge with frosting for BB’s Grammy win. It wasn’t nearly as good as JoAnn down at the Piggly Wiggly’s, but for reasons I still can’t understand, I’ve been banned from there. Homephobes. All of them. The cupcake turned out alright, it’ll be the spirit of the celebration I’ll have when BB wins His Grammy, and a lick of the Glambulge will be a symbol of my love and pride over BB’s win. As I was in the kitchen, singing and dancing to FYE that plays over and over and over again in my head, Stanley comes into the kitchen with a bunch of papers, a picture and a very angry look on his face. What could HIS problem be? I’M THE ONE who’s heart is breaking with no BB CD’s, no Beautiful BB’s Glambulge, no nothing. Whatever is bothering him can’t even be compared to the heartache I’m feeling.

Stanley came towards me, I can honestly say, Glamdiary, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him quite so upset. I asked him what his problem was, and he told me “You are the problem, Carol, YOU. I’ve tried to ignore your little obsession with this gay man Adam Lamburger for quite a while. Well, I guess I shouldn’t have ignored it for so long. See this? This is the credit card statement that you’ve been hiding from me for months. You have spent TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS on CD’s, merchandise and parties FOR A MAN, A GAY MAN, THAT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW?? What in the hell is your problem? WHO DOES THAT? You are NOT RIGHT, Carol. I also went on the computer upstairs and found THIS. Sex story after sex story that you wrote of this Lamburger and some fellow named Tommy. You WROTE that stuff? WHY?  What IN THE HELL could you possibly know about this kind of stuff? You’re computer history shows me EVERYTHING I need to know. You are sick and need help. I also found this picture that you drew of this Lamburger fellow naked, with a snake slithering up his leg? DISGUSTING! Guess what, Carol, that’s NOT WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE. He’s not buff and muscular and well hung like you drew in that picture, HERE IS THE REAL LAMBURGER IN A REAL PHOTOGRAPH. LOOK, CAROL, this is what he really looks like. He’s FAT AND HIS “GLAMBULGE” IS SMALL. Do you want that? You can have it, Carol. I’m leaving you. I have been seeing a woman for the past year or so, ever since your obsession for this screaming gay man came to be. Her name is Bambi Benton, and I’m leaving you today to go be with her. You can have the house, because I do care about your mother and she needs a place to live, but you’ll get nothing else. Nothing. Perhaps your little gay fellow can help you pay the bills. It won’t be me. Goodbye, Carol.  You make me ashamed that I gave you all that I have for all these years.  You didn't deserve any of it.”

Glamdiary, he threw all those papers at me, it took me weeks to write all of that, and now it’s on the floor, ruined. I picked up the picture of BB, the one that Stanley said “what he really looks like”, and I was mortified. Who would do that? It was obviously photoshopped, BB’s beautiful head was photoshopped onto some fat man’s body. The body was lumpy and white and had large breasts and an extremely small penis. That’s not my BB’s bulge, not even close!  My BB doesn’t have red hair down there or freckles on his chest, and he certainly wouldn’t surround himself with all that fattening food! This is the most hateful thing I have ever seen. I went upstairs with the cupcake, because after everything that happened, BB was still going to win His Grammy in an hour or so, and that’s the most important thing today!! I had a little time to kill, so I Googled “Bambi Benton” and I about fell to the floor. I found a Bambi Benton that lives here in town, and I found her on a Chris Alen fansite!! Stanley left me for a fan of a homephobe and cheater! We all know Chriss Allon stole the crown from BB with the help of homephobians in Arkansa, that chicken place and a lone, rogue A T & T excutive, and Stanley is with someone who helped steal it! I’m sick over it, but BB’s Grammy win is going to be announced soon! Stanley can have that whore, I have BB and BB is going to have His Grammy!!

I went on Twitter and Grammy.com, put the cupcake with The Glambulge on the desk and put WWFM, BB’s winning song, on loop on the computer. Any minute now they’ll announce BB’s win!! I see all the gals at AO are Twittering like mad! I see Muriel, the size 14 skeleton whore that she is, is also online. Who needs her? I love BB with MY SOUL, much more than she loves BB. OK, they’re announcing it now. Here it comes, BB! Glamdairy, I’m so excited and so proud that we’re going to win our first Grammy!! And the winner for Best Male Pop Vocal Performance goes to….BRUNO MARS??? NOOOOOO, THIS CAN’T BE!! IT’S HAS TO BE BB!! BB WON!! HE WORKS HARDER THAN ANYONE AND DESERVES THIS MORE THAN ANY SINGER IN THE ENTIRE GRAMMY SHOW!! HE’S BEEN ROBBED!! WHO DID THIS? WHO IN THE HELL IS BRUNO MARS? I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THIS HAPPENED! BRUNO MARS??? My life is over. I feel like I am going to die. All the Twitter trending and poll spamming and defending BB from all the haters and endless hours talking on AO about how we were sure BB would win… for what? I am sick. I’ve lost the most important thing in the world today and that was knowing that BB won a Grammy with my help.

I’m sick inside, Glamdiary, just sick. Obviously the people at the Grammys are homephobes and have no idea what good singing is. Bruno Mars? Who is he? BB lost because America isn’t ready for someone with His talent. He’ll do good in Europe because Europeans accept people who are different and they know talent when they hear it. BB will make it here in America eventually, he’ll do the slow burn for awhile until he catches fire! Then the world will see what I see, a superstar who outsings them all!! I am going to spam the Grammys website, the homephobic haters that they are, and then I’ll spend the rest of the night spamming Twitter to get AdamWasRobbed and BrunoMarsSucks to trend, then I’m going to write to those HORRIBLE HOMEPHOBES at Photoshop for putting out a product that allows a hater to put BB’s beautiful face on someone else’s fat, white body. I’m banning everything that uses Photoshop, that should teach those homephobes a lesson.

Oh, Glamdiary, I don’t know if I’ll ever get through this. I still have the love in my heart for BB and the thoughts that get me through the night. The thoughts of Adam and Tommy together. There’s a love that will never die!! Adam and Tommy are meant to be!! I’m thinking I might have my sister look after Mother for awhile while I do a little soul searching, maybe take a little trip out to LA and West Hollywood for a little bit of R & R. Lord knows, if anyone deserves it, it’s me. Who knows, maybe I’ll run into someone I know out there *winks*! I have to go help Mother off of the toilet. Sometimes I can sit her there and she stays put for a few hours, but I hear a lot of flushing and a lot of noise. I have to go see what she’s up to. Mother, get that cat out of the toilet. MOTHER, YOU CAN’T FLUSH THE CAT DOWN THE TOILET, CATS DON’T LIKE WATER! Honestly, how that woman managed to make it to this age is beyond me! I love you, Glamdiary!


Love, Carol
AKA
Glambergranny #1*
Glamskank #458
Glambert #255
Glambulge Lover #29
Keeper of the Glamunderpants #77
GlamballsLicker #221


ps, Glamdiary, I changed ME to Glambergranny #1!!! I deserve it more!!

4 comments:

  1. I think I love you for this. Almost as much as you love your BB.

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  2. Thank you! That's what the Glamniverse is all about! Love!! But, really, my love for my Beautiful BB Golden Child surpasses any other form of love that exists <3.

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  3. Was that you standing outside the Piggly Wiggly today what gave me that CD of the pretty woman shrieking? Who is she?

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  4. Yes, that was me!!! That was an Adam Lambert CD, you silly! Hope you enjoy it, I'm just trying to spread the love, one CD at a time!

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